Whistling in the Dark

( Warded Private )

[Warded to Susan]

My dad brought travel brochures for beaches.

[Warded to Uncle Kingsley & Aunt Hestia]

i saAaawwWWww thatt!

[Warded to Aunt Hestia, Uncle Kingsley, Zach, Susan]

I think I might not actually be okay (or fine, splendid, swell, etc.).

[Warded to Orson]

That kind of revenge, then

How could y I thought you we

How are you feeling?

[Warded to Zach]

I think I've been thinking too much, and I desperately need to talk to someone and I can't talk to Susan because she's still in St. Mun and you're a very good someone, and I think you may understand where I'm coming from better than a lot of people.

I've been having a lot of trouble with the DA meetings lately. I know nobody there trusts me anymore, and I don't expect them to, but it makes my presence there seem really kind of pointless. It feels like most of my suggestions are going to be dismissed outright because they're coming from me, like nobody will want me to help with anything because they don't trust me. I know I sort of earned it, but it's just making it feel like a waste of my time to be there, since most of the stuff that we're practicing at DA meetings is stuff that I could learn on Saturdays with the non-DA people, you know?

Being in the DA just hasn't been a good experience for me, from the get-go. I mean, my first mission with them was an utter failure and ended up with me being beaten within an inch of my life the day before my birthday, and everything after that has just been frustrations and struggles. I don't feel like I'm adding anything to the group, and the only thing that's really making me stay now is the possibility of learning to conjure a Patronus, and even that's questionable, because I get so frustrated and bummed out at DA meetings because I know no one trusts me and I know it's my fault that when I try to practice, it's like running headlong into a brick wall over and over again, and I just don't know what to do anymore.

I just...I don't know. I feel ungrateful, after everything they did for me, but at the same time, I don't like feeling like I'm obligated to sit there pointlessly because they rescued me or had a hand in rescuing me. And if they don't trust me, I don't understand why I'm not just being thrown out and left to have a normal life or something. I don't know.

Does any of that make sense, or am I crazy?

[Hufflepuffs]

I think what I am is tired.

I'm tired of hearing about more people being hurt or dying or losing everything. It's never someone who deserves it. Nobody deserves it It's always someone who didn't deserve it for whatever reason. Maybe for being really nice or maybe for just being a normal person. I'm tired of knowing it has no purpose except the same kind of purpose that a two-year-old has when he throws a tantrum because it's bedtime. I don't think senseless deaths would be any better even if they had a purpose, but somehow, it'd make that bitter pill easier to swallow, knowing that there's some method behind the madness instead of just madness for madness' sake.

I'm tired of the DA. I'm tired of being part of it, and I'm tired of hearing about how the DA is to blame for everything in the world. Because, you know, they--we--are not. Disagree with the choices made by the DA, fine. Be frustrated with them, fine. I'm with you, world, on a lot of those things. But, for the love of Merlin, give credit where credit's due. The DA isn't out there killing people. They may be fumbling at it, but at least they're trying to help. So stop blaming them, world, for everything.

I'm tired of people having (admittedly, understandable) angry reactions to the horrible things that have been happening and lashing out at people who've done absolutely nothing to deserve being lashed out at. This includes, but is not limited to, lashing out at the DMLE, the DA, all Slytherins (admittedly, most definitely deserve it, but not all of them), anyone who isn't angry/sad/stoic enough for you, Muggles, purebloods, and dogs. Like I said before, give credit where credit's due, and if you really need to get angry, world, get angry with the Death Eaters.

Basically...I'm tired of things still not being normal, and figure that the only way to make things seem normal would be a long holiday somewhere remote and secure. Anyone want to come with me?

[Warded to Zach]

What are your feelings on the beach? Obviously, not at this exact moment, but in general?

[Warded to Susan]

How are you feeling?

Also, I just wanted you to know that I love you and you're my best friend, and I haven't been able to honestly say that about anyone before this year, so thank you for being my best friend.

[Warded Private]

I hate that visiting hours at the hospital are so short.

I don't want to be part of the DA. I haven't wanted to be part of the DA for a while, not since school ended with the battle and things were supposed to start going back to normal. I've been wanting to go back to being a normal person again: not a dark wizard catcher, not a hero, not an auror. Just a normal person living a normal life and maybe growing flowers and herbs in a garden to open up a shop next to a designer cauldron business. A normal person who talks about ridiculous things with her best friends, like kissing boys before brushing your teeth and riding crops. A normal person who can go on dates with her boyfriend and kiss him and just live.

That's all I wanted. So, with that in mind, why am I feeling ridiculously guilty about not being in St. Mungo's with everyone else?

They'd tell me not to feel guilty. If I was in their shoes, I'd tell me not to feel guilty. I got away with only a few bumps, bruises, and scrapes. Somehow, in that chaos, I managed to get out and not find myself in the hospital for a really long time, but what about everyone else? Why am I okay and why is Hannah in a coma still sleeping? Why are Zach and Susan in the hospital, and Justin and everyone? Why did I get away? Was it sheer luck or was it providence...a blessing?

It doesn't feel much like a blessing.

I don't know what to say to anyone. Morag may be blind...what am I supposed to say to that? What am I supposed to say to people who are permanently screwed up and who know about my most recent misdeeds and that I somehow managed to get away without being hurt this time? How am I supposed to tell them that I'm sorry? Will they even believe it?

I can't believe I'm being so damn self-pitying right now. I'm not the one in the hospital...which is really the problem in the first place.




This all has to stop. Orson said it's about revenge, but when does that end? When does that stop? Suppose he goes and takes revenge on Anthony for his father and then Anthony takes revenge on Orson for his mother and then Orson takes revenge on Anthony and Anthony takes revenge on Orson and so on and so forth...what makes one different from the other, over time? If we're fighting for revenge, aren't we all the same?

I think we're losing sight of justice because we've lost so much. Justice and vengeance are two entirely different things, but they bleed together so easily.

And then there's the whole thing Ginny wrote today...I don't even want to touch that with a ten-foot pole. The Ministry aren't the ones to blame for this. They're trying their hardest to clean it up, and I feel like the DA keeps getting in the way. But I'm not about to say that publicly.

I miss Susan not being in the hospital. And Zach not being in the hospital. And Hannah.

[Warded to Zach]

What if somebody else has more money and wins you?

[Warded to Aunt Hestia]

Question: if a guy kisses you in the morning before you've brushed your teeth, is it sweet or is it gross?

(and before you ask: no boys are kissing me in the morning, I'm just considering the situation on a friend's behalf)

[Warded to Hufflepuffs]

Someone ransacked Merlin's last night...it's almost burned to the ground. It's a mess. Taid's a mess. I'm a me

[Warded to the DA]

This isn't easy for me to write, not because of a lack of sincerity on my part, but because it simply isn't easy to own up to the mistakes I've made.

I'm not going to waste anyone's time or energy with long-winded explanations, justifications, and excuses because, frankly, there are none sufficient to cover what I've done. Even if there were, you wouldn't belie The simple fact of the matter is that what I did--in sending that soap--was wrong and stupid. It shouldn't have been done, by me or by anyone. When--and if--it will put any of us in more danger than we're already in remains to be seen, but I am sorry for any problems my actions have caused and will caused, and I am sorry for abusing everyone's trust. It was never my intention.

I don't expect to gain your forgiveness, understanding, or trust by writing this. If you do choose to forgive me and even learn to trust me again, I am grateful for it, but I don't expect it and don't want anyone to feel obligated to offer it to me. I know what I've done, and I know the consequences.

If you decide that I shouldn't be in the DA anymore, that's fine and understandable as well. I've more than earned your enmi emni ire and distrust. Please just take this for what it is: an apology and acknowledgement of the poor choice I made, nothing less and nothing more.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

[Warded to Susan]

I need help. How are you at wording apologies to people who are mostly pra?

( Warded Private )

( Warded Private )

Sorry, this is really inappropriate timing, but I was wondering if anyone knows how to make it so that owls can't find you. I'm getting a bit inundated with them at the moment.

[Warded to Susan & Zach]

I don't want anyone else knowing...I'm going to Zach's house to hide from the owls. The Kensingtons--my mother's family--they blame me and Aunt Hestia (and my dad a little bit) for the Death Eaters going after her tonight. Apparently, she died quickly...it was probably a killing curse.

I don't really care. I mean, yeah, she gave birth to me, but she could never make up her mind about whether or not she wanted me. She kept changing her mind back and forth about whether I was worthy of being her daughter, for no apparent reason, so it's good that she's gone. She's in Heaven, I'm sure, and much happier now that she doesn't have to deal with a daughter she never wanted.

And I don't want anyone else to know.

[Private]

You know, I understand that what happened to me should serve as an example of blah blah blah why the DA should yadda yadda and we should all zip a dee doo dah, but...it just really isn't fun to kind of be the object lesson. "Oh, well, with what happened with Megan..." "Regarding when they got Megan..."

Maybe I should just avoid DA things from here on out. Or maybe I shouldn't have joined in the first place. I don't know. It's all well and good to do the defense practice, which I appreciate and enjoyed, but at the same time...I don't know. Is there much of a point to it all anymore besides that? I think some people want there to be...some people can't let go of being heroes...but I never wanted to be a hero in the first place. I just wanted to stand up against injustice. And now that injustice is gone, and I just want to be a normal young witch again. Is that too much to ask for?

I don't know. The whole thing makes me supremely uncomfortable.

[Susan]

So I totally didn't realize that people didn't know that Zach and I were...I don't know, doing whatever we're doing, but I'd gather from the look on Wayne's face this afternoon when he caught us snogging that it came as a bit of a surprise to him. I can't even find words to say how awkward it was.

[Bianca]

So what's your take on Susan's lovelife woes? Personally, I think she should just have her way with Nott and be done with it, but that's just me.

(by the way, hi, I'm Megan, Susan mentioned that you were discussing with her whether or not rum in exchange for hookups is considered prostitution, so I figured you know as much of the story as I do and we could exchange notes. You know, for her own good)

[Warded to Zach]

Are you lustful?

[DA + Hufflepuffs 1998]

Okay, so it's settled...you are all invited the Jones family home (and Merlin's in Holywell) on Sunday afternoon for a delightful party of festivation. There will be great food from the chefs at the restaurant and probably music being really loud and drinks, too.

Also, if you want to bring friends or girlfriends or boyfriends or people you fancy or whatever, that's fine, too. The more the merrier! Just let me or my Dad know beforehand so that the wards can be set properly. I hope you can all make it!

[Warded to the DA and Hufflepuffs 1998]

I have a new wand and it is absolutely beautiful. 10 3/4" holly with a unicorn tail hair core. It feels good to have it, it feels good to be able to ward again, and it feels good to be able to write again. I'm still in the Hospital for another day or so, but I should be good to go home soon, and I think a party is in order once I'm out of here. You're all invited, of course, every last one of you.

Also, I can't tell if it's the potions I've been drinking, but I kind of love the world right now.

Susan, Zach, Justin, Ernie, Hannah, Wayne, Eloise, Sally-Anne and Tristan.

Your presence is required at St. Mungo's immediately.

[Warded to Susan]

That was an interesting read.

Also, do you know anything about the National Gallery?

[Warded to Anthony]

Have you given anymore thought to the fundraiser idea? I wonder if we could maybe have an Event type of thing as the primary fundraiser event (yes, I know, it's redundant, so sue me), but I'm not sure what kind of Event would draw a really big crowd or if people would even be willing to attend an Event with the craziness that's been the world lately, BUT if they are, I think it'd be a lot of fun.

Also, I hope that the protests went well and didn't get too crazy.

Also-also, I'm really stuck on this one lesson plan.

[Warded to Zach]

Right. So.

I wanted to get this all down before I lose my nerve, because really, when it comes down to it, I'm kind of a chicken, only not really. But anyway. Chickens aside, I was thinking...I had a really great time when we went to lunch, and I was thinking maybe we should do something together again? If you want to, I mean. If you don't, that's fine, too, but I thought maybe dinner or maybe we could go do something not food-related, like...I don't know. Maybe we could do something Muggle-y? I've never really done anything Muggle-y, and now that we're learning about them properly, I'm kind of curious. I'll bet Justin could recommend some places.

But, I mean, only if you want to. If you don't, that's fine, too.

[Warded Private]

I'm so glad the testifying thing is over.

I know it was necessary, and I know that it had to be done (because, honestly, everything has been so...I don't even know...muddled for so long that the truth needs to be heard, even if it's an uncomfortable truth), but that didn't make it any more comfortable facing them again and answering all of those questions. And...God, I don't ever want to answer another question about that night for as long as I live. It was bad enough to experience it, but to have to keep thinking about it and talking about it...

It's over. This entire year is behind me. I'm alive and I'm stronger, I've developed even better friendships than I ever could've imagined. My faith is stronger, too. Without it, I know I wouldn't have made it through the year in once piece. Ultimately, as horrible as this year was, good things came of it. Really good things. I'm happy now, I am.

I'm just glad I don't ever have to talk about it again if I don't want to.

Now I'm going to focus on other things...I want to talk to Anthony about the fundraiser idea and getting the rest of the DA involved, I want to talk to Susan about things and I think I want to go out with Zach again. No, I do, I'm just.

Okay. Not going to freak out about it, it's a good thing to want to go out with him again. Maybe for dinner this time. Maybe. I'll talk to him about it.

[Hufflepuffs, Class of 1998]

Okay, I knew that Aunt Hestia knows the Minister and all, and they were like friends and stuff back in the day (or maybe still are, I don't know), but...

He changed my diaper?

I think I'm going to die of embarrassment now, thanks.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JUSTIN!!! Which I know has been said by many people already, and I'm late to the whole thing, but HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I have a gift for you!

[Warded to Theodore Nott]

I know we don't know each other well at all, but I'm sorry about your father.

[Warded to Seventh Year Hufflepuffs]

Everyone else is not dead alive still here, yeah? I tried to find you all after but I got surrounded by Joneses.

[Warded to DA Hufflepuffs]

I don't know about the rest of you, but I've just about had it.

[Susan]

Okay, now Theodore Nott is talking to me (and everyone else who's a Hufflepuff, it'd seem) saying that we should get you to stop talking to him. Which is as confusing as it looks.

What happened?

Eighteen is a magic number.

[Warded to Irwin Harper]

thank you.

[Warded to Gryffindors, Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws, minus IS Members (except Padma and Anthony)]

"why do you look for the living among the dead? he is not here; he has risen! remember how he told you, while he was still with you in galilee: 'the son of man must be delivered into the hands of sinful men, be crucified and on the third day be raised again.'"

happy easter, everyone.

[Dumbledore's Army]

i'm alive. but i hurt.